Whether or Not to Wether – A Chilling Goat Story

Whether or Not to Wether – A Chilling Goat Story

e·las·tra·tion    [ih-las-trey-shuh n]

noun

1. bloodless method of male castration commonly used for livestock by banding the scrotum or tail until it drops off.

2. method of castration favored for its simplicity, low cost, and minimal training requirements. (Translation: Any toothless inbred can do it.)

As a joke, I once bought a goat for a friend of mine. When I got to the farm somewhere down in Anne Arundel County, the place was loaded with them.

I picked one out, but I guess the woman and the old stripper-looking guy could tell by my look of "Why do their scrotums appear to be hanging from a Christmas ornament hook?" that an explanation was in order.

"Oh, we always wether the males that we sell," she said.

"Wether?” I asked, instinctively clutching at my crotch.

"Yeah, we wether 'em," she said. "Keep wrappin' rubber bands around them ersters till they 'ventually just fall off."

“Doesn’t that .... hurt?” I asked, taking a slight step backwards.

“Well it sure beats the hell outta biting ‘em off like we used to!” she said, nodding towards Old Stripper-Looking Guy.

Horrified, I grabbed one and started running as fast as I could out through the pasture; running everywhere, nowhere; sort of my own "Silence of the Goats" nightmare.

Throughout my mad dash the screaming was non-stop. Finally I stumbled and fell to the ground, dropped the rubber band, and still, I could not stop screaming.

"Iffin you still want one, that'll be 40 bucks," she said, amazingly standing right beside me. "But I'll be needin' that rubber band back."

So I paid the 40, took my (female) goat, and gave it to my friend who immediately shot it, because that's what he liked to do -- shoot goats.

Anyway, that was the first time I'd ever heard the word "wether" used other than in idle conversation.

Nope, they're not Granny Smith Cheerios folks. If only....