Alcoholic Quiz

Alcoholic Quiz

Are you an alcoholic?

Comedian Mitch Hedburg once said:

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.

“Goddamn it, Otto, you’re an alcoholic!”

“Goddamn it, Otto, you have lupus!”

One of those two doesn't sound right.

So is alcoholism a disease or is it just something I like to do and can quit any time I want to – I just don’t want to?

Recently my probation officer made me take a questionnaire to determine whether or not I was an alcoholic. Below are the questions along with my answers.

It was a pop quiz, so I didn't get a chance to study. Still, I think I did pretty well.  Feel free to take the quiz yourself for positive self-worth reinforcement.

Q: Do you lose time from work due to drinking?

A: Only when I call in sick.

Q: Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

A: Drinking IS my home life. (So to answer your question, no.)

Q: Do you drink alone?

A: Only when I’m by myself.

Q: Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

A: What other people? (see previous question/answer)

Q: Is drinking affecting your reputation?

A: Fuck ‘em, they’re all a bunch of tee-totaling assholes anyway.

Q: Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

A: Once, when I spilled a pitcher of Bud right after Last Call.

Q: Have you had financial difficulties as a result of drinking?

A: Not since Happy Hour was extended from 3 till 8 pm.

Q: Do you turn to inferior companions and environments when drinking?

A: No, my companions and environments are inferior even when I'm sober.

Q: Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?

A: No, I only spend half of the welfare on drinking. I buy booze with the other half. Whatever’s leftover all goes toward taking care of my family.

Q: Has your ambition decreased since drinking?

A: Who gives a shit?

Q: Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?

A: No, it happens at different times.

Q: Do you want a drink the next morning?

A: Rarely, but I have one whether I want it or not.

Q: Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

A: No, it causes difficulty in waking.

Q: Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?

A: Only in the sense that it has gone down. Otherwise, no.

Q: Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?

A: Define “jeopardizing”.

Q: Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?

A: No, I go to the bar to escape from worries or trouble. Once I’m safely inside, I might have a few beers just to get through the next 12 to 14 hours.

Q: Have you ever had a loss of memory as a result of drinking?

A: I don’t remember. Besides, this is a stupid question. If you don’t remember something, how can you tell if you forgot it?  Hey you know what? How about you go fuck yourself? How about that?

Q: Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?

A: Yes, he made me read about the evils of drinking, so I gave up reading.*

Q: Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?

A: Why do you have to ask so many goddamn questions?

Q: Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

A: Does a police station count as an “institution”?

Q: Do you often want to continue drinking after your friends say they’ve had enough?

A: Why should I stop drinking just because they’re on their knees vomiting in the bathtub?

Q: When you’re sober, do you sometimes regret things you did or said while drinking?

A: I avoid those regrets by also avoiding sobriety.

Q: When drinking with other people, do you try to have a few extra drinks when others
won’t know about it?

A: Again – what other people!?

Q: Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you are drinking?

A: No, they try to avoid ME, but I always find ‘em anyway.

Q: Do you sometimes have the “shakes” in the morning and find that it helps to have a
“little” drink, tranquilizer or medication of some kind?  

A: Yes, but that “little” drink, tranquilizer or medication never seems to help.

Q: Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?

A: Shit, only like EVERY night when I gotta tell the old lady to go get me a beer.

Q: Do you drink heavily when you are disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel
with someone?

A: No, I still drink normally when I am disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel
with someone.

Q: Can you handle more alcohol now than when you first started to drink?

A: By “first started” do you mean since 6am this morning or back when I was 12?

Q: Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available?

A: No, I ALWAYS feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available.

Q: Have any of your blood relatives ever had a problem with alcohol? 

A: Yes – my paternal grandfather, who lived to be 109, drank himself to death.



* (with a nod to the late, great Henny Youngman)