Ten Organizing Tips for the Busy Stay-at-Home Mom

Ten Organizing Tips for the Busy Stay-at-Home Mom

In this day and age of the two-person-income family, it is hard to believe there are still women in this debt-ridden society of ours who refuse to contribute to the welfare of their families and the tax base of their country. They stubbornly cling to the old ways and continue on with the misguided belief that they are somehow privileged characters who don’t have to do any real work. They insist on remaining "homemakers" to keep up a “good home” and ensure their children are “properly raised”, something a grandmother or maid could easily do in their stead.

It is with great pride and my firm belief that I am always right that I direct this ad campaign at those pigheaded souls performing the frivolous tasks of being supported by a hard-working husband, never having to leave the house unless it is for the self-gratification of driving the kids to and from school, soccer practice, tap and ballet, etc., or taking in the luxury of the cathedral that is the local supermarket, where they meet up with other obstinate housewives to exchange recipes and catch up on neighborhood gossip.

Nay, I come not to bury Caesar, but to praise my own self-righteousness and offer the following sage advice and accompanying sales pitch with these ten organizing tips for the busy stay-at-home mom:

1) Blue #2 pencil, 25 cents. From the blind man who accosts you every morning by leaning on your car door and refusing to move until you buy one or makes you turn slowly in a circle for him while he makes strip-tease cymbal noises by hissing through his pyorrhea-laden yap.  He’s been out to get you ever since you spotted him writing down license plate numbers in his own little organizer. By now you probably have hundreds of these useful, can’t-live-without, organization tools.  Which brings us to…

2) Fake Keyboard Storage Center, $10.95.  Put all of your Blue #2 pencils in this clever home storage component, along with any other mother’s little helpers you may want to keep hidden from hubby and the kids. The ingenious “password” style keyboard combination lock ensures that only you have access to the contents of this most precious of organization problem-solvers.

3) Home-Style Police Blotter, $20.  Keep a record of all your 911 calls and acts of vigilantism at a mere arm’s length with your own handy home-style police blotter. Pre-printed entry-types include description of rapist, time of death, cause of death and whether or not perpetrator was truly blind. Blotter also contains clear plastic “windows” for your digitally printed photos of the crime scene.

4) Old No. 7, $19.99.  This magical elixir has medicinal qualities that far outshine any standard, over-the-counter medication you may find at your local CVS Pharmacy or neighborhood drug store.  Sold in many sizes, the model here is often referred to as a “fifth” and has been used by generations of stay-at-home moms to help organize their families’ schedules and to get them through even the most heart-wrenching of soap opera tragedies.

5) Heart-Shaped Pewter Flask, $37.98.  For those hectic days of grocery shopping, taking the kids to and from school, and to relieve the stress of the anticipation of your weekly Wednesday night beating by your husband and his poker buddies, what better way to stay organized than by carrying some of your cure-all Old No. 7 with you in this beautiful heart-shaped pewter flask. Thick enough to stop a .22-caliber bullet, many busy moms carry it in a breast pocket over their own hearts as a sign of their love and affection for their families.

6) Colt Anaconda .44 Magnum, $2,250.  For those Wednesday poker nights when hubby and pals get a little too rambunctious, this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and could blow your head clean off.  Just ask hub and the boys a question: Do you feel lucky?  Well, do ya, punks?

7) Slimline Husband-Hole Filler, $63.99.  For those long lonely nights when hubby is working late or out at the gentlemen’s club with The Boys, this Slimline Husband-Hole Filler is just what the doctor ordered for that sometimes-difficult task of getting your thoughts organized.  Curl up in front of the fire with a nice anatomically correct body pillow and a glass of Old No. 7 on the rocks and let your fingers do the walking.  (Apple sold separately.)

8) BFF, priceless.  To truly become organized there is no shame in asking a friend for help.  “Another set of eyes” is sometimes all that is needed to pick up some new ideas and fresh pointers here and there.  Invite a neighbor or an old friend over for drinks.  Break out the Slimline (see #7 above) and wile away the hours just relaxing and doing “girl stuff”.

9) EZ Doze Night Shirt, $49.99.  When hubby gets home from his long night out and finds you entertaining the J.V football team, he may be apt to tuck you into bed for a long uninterrupted night of sleep with this EZ Doze Night Shirt.  One size fits all.

10) Budget-Priced Eternal Rest Organizer, $14.99.  What better place to get all your organizing done than in absolute solitude and utter peace and quiet.  When you catch hubby with the 14-year-old babysitter and life just drags you down, take a fistful of your mother’s little helpers from your Fake Keyboard Storage Center and down an entire “fifth” of Old No. 7 to set your nerves rigidly still.  A more restful peace you will never enjoy. The kids will entertain themselves for hours on end in your absence, coloring, drawing pictures of Daddy and his new girlfriend, and scribbling graffiti on your place of eternal rest and damnation.