Aaron Neville and John Boy Moles

Aaron Neville and John Boy Moles

I wish to hell Aaron Neville and John Boy Walton would take a hint and do something about those unsightly moles on their faces. 

You mean to tell me there's not some kind of laser procedure that would eradicate these evil epidermis splotches? These melanoma-inducing, woolly mammoth freckles; these rotted conjoined fetus covers; these La Brea tar pit-looking voluminous liver spots.

What, they can't make a trip to CVS and pick up some gauze bandages and some vanishing cream?  Makeup?  White-Out?  Paint?

I think I read somewhere – possibly in Variety or maybe the Bluefield Daily Telegraph – that John Boy finally succumbed to his deformity last summer at the age of 55.  It got to where the whole left side of his face looked like a giant tick about to pop and he began to look like he could be Batman's latest nemesis.

And that latitudinous lentigo above Aaron Neville's right eye – why, you could hide the Lindbergh baby under that thing.  You may have noticed Mr. Neville hasn't performed before any live audiences lately or even made any public appearances.  That's because his "thing" didn't expand the way John Boy's did; it extended outward and now very much resembles a Black Rat Snake trying to bore its way into a totem pole.

Perhaps, Dear Reader, you could assist with this tragedy before Mr. Neville's appendage reaches the ground lest he, too, suffers the fate of our beloved John Boy and the many unfortunates afflicted with this same malady.