Side Effects

Side Effects

Are you experiencing hyperactive sleepiness? Inability to urinate and frequent incontinence? Loss of appetite and ravenous food consumption?  Are you often tired when waking, feel the need to shower more than once a week or find yourself constantly sitting, walking, driving or sleeping?  Do you without fail hit the snooze button and fall right back to sleep every single morning of your pathetic little life?

If you have displayed any of the symptoms listed above at any time over the past 10 years, ask your doctor about Syfexol.

As with many future lawsuit medications, Syfexol is not without its charming side effects, which more than likely will include a dozen or so of the following:

Anal seepage, oily discharge, greenish urine outbreaks, ashy asshole, temporary tooth loss, golf ball ankle protrusions, wile bowels, mud butt, failure to illuminate, eye boogers, involuntary colon cleansing, visible intestinal polyps, canine feces consumption, retroactive fetal alcohol syndrome, inverted urethra, scalp flames, labia manure, intermittent death, ear farts, complete collapse of civilization, reverse Benjamin Button disease, strawberry-flavored sphincter, genital exhaustion, toe jam football, joo-joo eyeball, uneven tire wear, projectile vomiting, projectile bleeding, racial intolerance, tennis ball-sized hematomas, hematoma-sized tennis ball balls, clogged hemorrhoids, redundancy, redundancy, extended nasal menstruation, low resale value on your home and the flying shits.

Do not consume alcohol while taking this product. Also avoid red meat, seafood, vegetables, dairy products, fruit, bread and food.  Do not drive while taking Syfexol unless you have a close relative who is a judge or lawyer or is an expert witness intimidator.  If you experience chest pains, shortness of breath, debilitating leg cramps and explosive diarrhea, double the dosage. Has been known to induce unexplained erections in unborn males. Do not operate machinery while taking Syfexol as additional side effects may also include unwanted limb loss, paraplegia (not the good kind), minor decapitation and regrettable Twitter activity.

You may experience an overwhelming sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die. If you can actually watch hair growing from your nostrils and ears, contact America’s Funniest Home Videos. If the hair is only coming from your nostrils and not your ears, then just post it to YouTube.  You may feel the powerful urge to invite a friend over to reenact the “Psycho” shower scene.  IMPORTANT: Be sure to play the Anthony Perkins part. This drug may bring about the penchant to reply to every coworker’s request with the phrase, “You want fries with that?” If an intense smell of methane gas emanates from every bodily orifice, avoid standing near any open flames or electrical sparks and move to a large well-ventilated area, such as the Mojave Desert.  You should resist all urges to change your anatomic sex no matter how sharp that butter knife is. In case of suicidal thoughts, contact your physician. In case of suicidal success, contact your next of kin.

This product is gluten free; however it may contain eleven or more of the following: rope fibers, beetle dung, eel skin, liquid rock salt, mucus membrane extract, bits of undigested rubber, Bunker mold, canine anal gland expression, unfiltered canary juice, Balsamic urine, nizzle penizzle, rodent moisture, nasal byproducts, oyster residue, unchewed toilet paper and snotty pancake mist. 

Ten Organizing Tips for the Busy Stay-at-Home Mom

Ten Organizing Tips for the Busy Stay-at-Home Mom

In this day and age of the two-person-income family, it is hard to believe there are still women in this debt-ridden society of ours who refuse to contribute to the welfare of their families and the tax base of their country. They stubbornly cling to the old ways and continue on with the misguided belief that they are somehow privileged characters who don’t have to do any real work. They insist on remaining "homemakers" to keep up a “good home” and ensure their children are “properly raised”, something a grandmother or maid could easily do in their stead.

It is with great pride and my firm belief that I am always right that I direct this ad campaign at those pigheaded souls performing the frivolous tasks of being supported by a hard-working husband, never having to leave the house unless it is for the self-gratification of driving the kids to and from school, soccer practice, tap and ballet, etc., or taking in the luxury of the cathedral that is the local supermarket, where they meet up with other obstinate housewives to exchange recipes and catch up on neighborhood gossip.

Nay, I come not to bury Caesar, but to praise my own self-righteousness and offer the following sage advice and accompanying sales pitch with these ten organizing tips for the busy stay-at-home mom:

1) Blue #2 pencil, 25 cents. From the blind man who accosts you every morning by leaning on your car door and refusing to move until you buy one or makes you turn slowly in a circle for him while he makes strip-tease cymbal noises by hissing through his pyorrhea-laden yap.  He’s been out to get you ever since you spotted him writing down license plate numbers in his own little organizer. By now you probably have hundreds of these useful, can’t-live-without, organization tools.  Which brings us to…

2) Fake Keyboard Storage Center, $10.95.  Put all of your Blue #2 pencils in this clever home storage component, along with any other mother’s little helpers you may want to keep hidden from hubby and the kids. The ingenious “password” style keyboard combination lock ensures that only you have access to the contents of this most precious of organization problem-solvers.

3) Home-Style Police Blotter, $20.  Keep a record of all your 911 calls and acts of vigilantism at a mere arm’s length with your own handy home-style police blotter. Pre-printed entry-types include description of rapist, time of death, cause of death and whether or not perpetrator was truly blind. Blotter also contains clear plastic “windows” for your digitally printed photos of the crime scene.

4) Old No. 7, $19.99.  This magical elixir has medicinal qualities that far outshine any standard, over-the-counter medication you may find at your local CVS Pharmacy or neighborhood drug store.  Sold in many sizes, the model here is often referred to as a “fifth” and has been used by generations of stay-at-home moms to help organize their families’ schedules and to get them through even the most heart-wrenching of soap opera tragedies.

5) Heart-Shaped Pewter Flask, $37.98.  For those hectic days of grocery shopping, taking the kids to and from school, and to relieve the stress of the anticipation of your weekly Wednesday night beating by your husband and his poker buddies, what better way to stay organized than by carrying some of your cure-all Old No. 7 with you in this beautiful heart-shaped pewter flask. Thick enough to stop a .22-caliber bullet, many busy moms carry it in a breast pocket over their own hearts as a sign of their love and affection for their families.

6) Colt Anaconda .44 Magnum, $2,250.  For those Wednesday poker nights when hubby and pals get a little too rambunctious, this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and could blow your head clean off.  Just ask hub and the boys a question: Do you feel lucky?  Well, do ya, punks?

7) Slimline Husband-Hole Filler, $63.99.  For those long lonely nights when hubby is working late or out at the gentlemen’s club with The Boys, this Slimline Husband-Hole Filler is just what the doctor ordered for that sometimes-difficult task of getting your thoughts organized.  Curl up in front of the fire with a nice anatomically correct body pillow and a glass of Old No. 7 on the rocks and let your fingers do the walking.  (Apple sold separately.)

8) BFF, priceless.  To truly become organized there is no shame in asking a friend for help.  “Another set of eyes” is sometimes all that is needed to pick up some new ideas and fresh pointers here and there.  Invite a neighbor or an old friend over for drinks.  Break out the Slimline (see #7 above) and wile away the hours just relaxing and doing “girl stuff”.

9) EZ Doze Night Shirt, $49.99.  When hubby gets home from his long night out and finds you entertaining the J.V football team, he may be apt to tuck you into bed for a long uninterrupted night of sleep with this EZ Doze Night Shirt.  One size fits all.

10) Budget-Priced Eternal Rest Organizer, $14.99.  What better place to get all your organizing done than in absolute solitude and utter peace and quiet.  When you catch hubby with the 14-year-old babysitter and life just drags you down, take a fistful of your mother’s little helpers from your Fake Keyboard Storage Center and down an entire “fifth” of Old No. 7 to set your nerves rigidly still.  A more restful peace you will never enjoy. The kids will entertain themselves for hours on end in your absence, coloring, drawing pictures of Daddy and his new girlfriend, and scribbling graffiti on your place of eternal rest and damnation. 

Reasons for Killing a Cat

Reasons for Killing a Cat

Best reason for killing a cat - pure jealousy.

There are literally thousands of good reasons for killing a cat and I'm sure I'll come up with at least 2 or 300. But right now for some reason I can't think of another one.

I'll get back to you....

Alcoholic Quiz

Alcoholic Quiz

Are you an alcoholic?

Comedian Mitch Hedburg once said:

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.

“Goddamn it, Otto, you’re an alcoholic!”

“Goddamn it, Otto, you have lupus!”

One of those two doesn't sound right.

So is alcoholism a disease or is it just something I like to do and can quit any time I want to – I just don’t want to?

Recently my probation officer made me take a questionnaire to determine whether or not I was an alcoholic. Below are the questions along with my answers.

It was a pop quiz, so I didn't get a chance to study. Still, I think I did pretty well.  Feel free to take the quiz yourself for positive self-worth reinforcement.

Q: Do you lose time from work due to drinking?

A: Only when I call in sick.

Q: Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

A: Drinking IS my home life. (So to answer your question, no.)

Q: Do you drink alone?

A: Only when I’m by myself.

Q: Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

A: What other people? (see previous question/answer)

Q: Is drinking affecting your reputation?

A: Fuck ‘em, they’re all a bunch of tee-totaling assholes anyway.

Q: Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

A: Once, when I spilled a pitcher of Bud right after Last Call.

Q: Have you had financial difficulties as a result of drinking?

A: Not since Happy Hour was extended from 3 till 8 pm.

Q: Do you turn to inferior companions and environments when drinking?

A: No, my companions and environments are inferior even when I'm sober.

Q: Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?

A: No, I only spend half of the welfare on drinking. I buy booze with the other half. Whatever’s leftover all goes toward taking care of my family.

Q: Has your ambition decreased since drinking?

A: Who gives a shit?

Q: Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?

A: No, it happens at different times.

Q: Do you want a drink the next morning?

A: Rarely, but I have one whether I want it or not.

Q: Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

A: No, it causes difficulty in waking.

Q: Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?

A: Only in the sense that it has gone down. Otherwise, no.

Q: Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?

A: Define “jeopardizing”.

Q: Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?

A: No, I go to the bar to escape from worries or trouble. Once I’m safely inside, I might have a few beers just to get through the next 12 to 14 hours.

Q: Have you ever had a loss of memory as a result of drinking?

A: I don’t remember. Besides, this is a stupid question. If you don’t remember something, how can you tell if you forgot it?  Hey you know what? How about you go fuck yourself? How about that?

Q: Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?

A: Yes, he made me read about the evils of drinking, so I gave up reading.*

Q: Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?

A: Why do you have to ask so many goddamn questions?

Q: Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

A: Does a police station count as an “institution”?

Q: Do you often want to continue drinking after your friends say they’ve had enough?

A: Why should I stop drinking just because they’re on their knees vomiting in the bathtub?

Q: When you’re sober, do you sometimes regret things you did or said while drinking?

A: I avoid those regrets by also avoiding sobriety.

Q: When drinking with other people, do you try to have a few extra drinks when others
won’t know about it?

A: Again – what other people!?

Q: Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you are drinking?

A: No, they try to avoid ME, but I always find ‘em anyway.

Q: Do you sometimes have the “shakes” in the morning and find that it helps to have a
“little” drink, tranquilizer or medication of some kind?  

A: Yes, but that “little” drink, tranquilizer or medication never seems to help.

Q: Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?

A: Shit, only like EVERY night when I gotta tell the old lady to go get me a beer.

Q: Do you drink heavily when you are disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel
with someone?

A: No, I still drink normally when I am disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel
with someone.

Q: Can you handle more alcohol now than when you first started to drink?

A: By “first started” do you mean since 6am this morning or back when I was 12?

Q: Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available?

A: No, I ALWAYS feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available.

Q: Have any of your blood relatives ever had a problem with alcohol? 

A: Yes – my paternal grandfather, who lived to be 109, drank himself to death.



* (with a nod to the late, great Henny Youngman)

Biting as a Form of Corporal Punishment

Biting as a Form of Corporal Punishment

This picture has nothing to with the subject of this article

The current trend in child discipline in United States culture (with the exception of Mississippi which still uses food as punishment) seems to be to abandon spanking in favor of other methods of corporal punishment, most notably biting.

When I was a kid back in the ‘60s, we got beat on a daily basis whether we needed it or not.

In the morning my mother used to poke, prod and whack us with a wire rug-beater to get us out of the house and off to school, even on weekends and during summer when there was no school.

At night the old man would come home from a long day at the docks (and the bar) and would usually have his belt in hand ready to go before he even came through the door.

There were nine of us kids and even though all of us were in bed by then, he’d still make the rounds to both bedrooms and just flail away blindly in the dark till his arm gave out and he collapsed on the floor. Sometimes you got hit, sometimes he missed and you didn’t. More often than not, you got hit.

Over time we became inured to the beatings. My mother sensed this and it was she who thought up the idea of biting us instead of using the rug beater or the belt.

Well once that biting business started you never saw nine kids move so fast in your life, whether it was getting ready for school or church, or just tending to chores and dressing rabbits.

It was a terrible thing to be bitten like that by your own mother, but I must say it worked wonders and I recommend it even today as a way to get unruly children in line. I don’t care if they’re eighteen years old or 18 months old. I bit my own kids and they in turn now bite theirs.

So go ahead and bite ‘em. Trust me, it works.

I refer you to the book by Dr. Ida Bittem* of the University of New Hampshire, one of the world's leading experts in family violence, including the biting of children. Her year 2012 book compares commonly held beliefs about biting with the results of carefully made studies about the positive effects of biting.

This is a book aimed at the general public. Customer ratings at both Barnes & Noble and Amazon.com are five stars out of five.

* Dr. Ida Bittem, "Biting the Devil Out of Them: Corporal Punishment for American Children," Transaction Publishers, (2nd edition; 2012)

Relations With Marsupials Differ From Mammals

Relations With Marsupials Differ From Mammals

Doing it with a mammal - piece of cake

Banging a mammal – pretty simple stuff, right?  Not so with their Australian brethren, the marsupial. 

Take some of the following advice I received in an email from my pal, Joey (as translated by me from Complex Australian).

One must use caution when doing it with a marsupial.  I know you may be tempted at times to have at a wombat or a cute little koala, but a wombat is a vicious little bastard and even if you do manage to achieve penetration its posterior is made up mostly of cartilage, so the very possible occurrence of losing your manhood to the creature’s vice-grip clacker cannot be underestimated.

And while it is true that the koala is cute and sexually provocative and the scent of eucalyptus leaves on their breath and in their stool is a siren song to the lusty blokes of outback sheep stations, it is not a bear, as some think, at least not the North American bears you are used to fucking.  

If you've got a hankering for kangaroo tang, here’s some first-hand info that will save you a lot a time and pain: Surprisingly, they’re fierce as hell and protect their double-vaginas the way an apostate from Hell protects the Ant-Christ, so you’re better off going after a wallaby which looks enough like a kangaroo to satisfy your sexual appetite, yet are small enough to wrest to the ground without a lot of exertion on your part.  You may also want to try a wallaroo to satisfy your thirst for macropod pussy, as they, too, look very much like a kangaroo, yet are smaller and therefore more manageable.

As with any marsupial, the importance of foreplay cannot be over-emphasized

And speaking of that marsupial double vagina, avoid it at all costs.  They are guarded on either side by two red-cheeked dunnarts that climb up in there at a very early age and live out their lives within the womb of the kangaroo and wallaby alike, and only speak when spoken to. The problem is, one always lies and one always tells the truth and I never could figure out that riddle so your best bet is to avoid the vaginas totally and take the animal in the cloaca as any Aussie worth his damper already knows. And of course it goes without saying, the importance of foreplay with marsupials cannot be over emphasized.

And lastly, this final word of advice: Your best chance to have a naughty with a marsupial without a great struggle and expense of energy is to pounce on the animal about 30 minutes before sparrow fart.  That’s fair dinkum, so don’t chuck a wobbly, mate.  Get yourself full up to dolly’s wax with a brekkie of rasher and cackle berries beforehand, crack a fat and everything will be Sir Garnet, ya bludger.  Do as I say, me cobber, and she’ll be apples. You’ll be waltzing matilda in that hot cloaca and then Bob’s your uncle you’ll be done and back at the billabong before arvo.  Ridgy-didge!

Whether or Not to Wether – A Chilling Goat Story

Whether or Not to Wether – A Chilling Goat Story

e·las·tra·tion    [ih-las-trey-shuh n]

noun

1. bloodless method of male castration commonly used for livestock by banding the scrotum or tail until it drops off.

2. method of castration favored for its simplicity, low cost, and minimal training requirements. (Translation: Any toothless inbred can do it.)

As a joke, I once bought a goat for a friend of mine. When I got to the farm somewhere down in Anne Arundel County, the place was loaded with them.

I picked one out, but I guess the woman and the old stripper-looking guy could tell by my look of "Why do their scrotums appear to be hanging from a Christmas ornament hook?" that an explanation was in order.

"Oh, we always wether the males that we sell," she said.

"Wether?” I asked, instinctively clutching at my crotch.

"Yeah, we wether 'em," she said. "Keep wrappin' rubber bands around them ersters till they 'ventually just fall off."

“Doesn’t that .... hurt?” I asked, taking a slight step backwards.

“Well it sure beats the hell outta biting ‘em off like we used to!” she said, nodding towards Old Stripper-Looking Guy.

Horrified, I grabbed one and started running as fast as I could out through the pasture; running everywhere, nowhere; sort of my own "Silence of the Goats" nightmare.

Throughout my mad dash the screaming was non-stop. Finally I stumbled and fell to the ground, dropped the rubber band, and still, I could not stop screaming.

"Iffin you still want one, that'll be 40 bucks," she said, amazingly standing right beside me. "But I'll be needin' that rubber band back."

So I paid the 40, took my (female) goat, and gave it to my friend who immediately shot it, because that's what he liked to do -- shoot goats.

Anyway, that was the first time I'd ever heard the word "wether" used other than in idle conversation.

Nope, they're not Granny Smith Cheerios folks. If only....