Tom Brady Sucks - Just Ask Him
Tom Brady sucks.
Brady admitted as much Sunday after his New England Patriots luckily won the AFC Championship, 23-20, over the Baltimore Ravens, confirming an opinion already held by many Baltimoreans – along with millions nationwide – of the mollycoddled quarterback.
"Well, I sucked pretty bad today,” Brady proclaimed in front of a national audience, “But as badly as I sucked I still wouldn’t want to trade places with that choking dog Billy Cundiff for all the Syrup of ipecac hidden in Gisele’s purse.”
Brady’s long overdue admission came on the on-field podium during the presentation of the Lamar Hunt trophy after the pampered poof turned in a rather pedestrian passing performance of 22 of 36 for 239 yards, no touchdowns and two interceptions.
Brady had two more interceptions which were called back because of Baltimore penalties. He was clearly outplayed by his mustachioed Ravens counterpart, “Broadway Market” Joe Flacco, who also went 22 of 36, but for 306 yards with two touchdowns and only one interception as well as a costly game-winning drop by future CFL’er, Lee Evans.
About an hour later, dressed in a dark brown outfit with a dainty silk pocket square, undoubtedly picked out by his beard of three years, Gisele Bündchen, Brady was asked at the postgame interview podium if he still agreed with his earlier spot-on self-assessment.
"As a quarterback, you never want to turn the ball over," said Brady, fighting back tears. “What you want to do is hold it tenderly to your chest and gaze lovingly into the camera with limpid, puppy dog eyes.
“Or better yet,” Brady continued, “Marinate the ball with a little saddle soap, drape Coach Belicheck’s hoodie across your bare, naked shoulders, and gently squat on the ball until it disappears. That’s the way I like it. I got that one from Bledsoe.”
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| Brady’s preferred method of holding a football. |
A visibly agitated and inebriated Robert Kraft concurred with Brady’s sucking confession.
"He might say he sucked – and he did. He sucked big, dirty rhino balls,” slurred Kraft when reached for comment. “And I’m not talking about zoo rhinos that get a warm, soapy water, weekly nutsack hose-down – I’m talking Serengeti Plains, mud-caked, tsetse fly-bitten, cheetah-clawed, boil-ridden goddamn big fat hairy-ass rhino balls. That’s how much he sucked. But hey, we won the fuckin’ game."
Brady will face fellow slippery-ball squatter, Eli Manning – who thus far has refused to admit he sucks – and the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLVI in two weeks in a rematch of the 2008 contest which saw Manning and the Giants beating the previously undefeated Patriots and the sucking Brady, 17-14.
